Skip to main content

Reflections at Christmas

A Christmas orament with white sparkles covering surfaceAs I grow older, Christmas seems more a time of reflection. Christmases of my childhood. Christmases of my daughter's childhood. Of course, Jesus is still the reason for the season. There's still joy and magic. Yet, as life happens, events flavor the season a bit differently. It's not the same. It seems different each year.

This began for me when my grandfather passed on Christmas Eve 1981. I was 8-years-old and had rarely seen my mom cry. Being that age, the loss wasn't profound. I'm sure that I remembered him throughout the year and the following Christmas Eves. Yet, his physical absence wasn't something I dwelt upon.

Flash forward to Christmas 2024, and I'm reflecting on many things. 

Last year at this time, both my parents were in a Mississippi hospital. I was realizing Mom likely had days to live. Dad could be shortly behind her. So many emotions, thoughts, and prayers swirled those last three weeks of December - three weeks that felt like three months. 

2024 began with burying my Mom and returning to Maryland with my Dad in a rehab facility. Mom had been in that facility. He was in what was her room. By February, Dad was living with my brother and sister-in-law. This was a blessing. Yet, it also meant beginning to clean out the house I grew up in. Returning there felt empty. Without them living there, it was just a 100-year-old house. Empty and haunting.

In June, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. On October 25, I completed 25 days of beam radiation therapies. On December 18, I had a brachytherapy procedure. I have a few hormone therapy shots remaining for 2025 but should be cancer-free.

Being faced with cancer, one's mortality comes into focus. Will this kill me? When will it kill me? The fact is, prostate cancer doesn't kill. It's when the cancer spreads to other areas that one can die. Thankfully, my cancer had not spread. But before that, I was embraced with the Peace that passes all understanding. I knew that I would be okay. But more than just I would survive...I was reminded that He was with me.

We are not promised the next minute, hour, or day. We take our time for granted. 

I'm also reflecting on a community I lost in 2020. This being the weekend before Christmas, I would've enjoyed the Christmas decorations of my previous church for one last time. Rarely was I in town for Christmas Eve services. The last time I experienced that reflection was the weekend before Christmas 2019. In July 2020, I along with nearly 30 others on staff, were released from our roles. It was during the pandemic and things needed to change. What hurt came later when it became clear that I valued relationships more than others valued me. Only a couple reached out. Most did not. Leaders with whom I served weekly and communicated often never reached out.  

Perhaps I'm responding in the flesh. After all, Church Hurt is an emotional state. But it is also deeper. It's more than trust being broken. A deep wound has been inflicted on the soul. It's deep because it's seemingly caused knowingly or at least callously. Those who scoff at Church Hurt as something to get over or pray through have never experienced it. Church Hurt happens because a person is forced to leave a church community due to an unpredicted or unexpected circumstance brought upon by people with whom life has been shared. The longer and deeper the connection with the community, the more painful the wound. My family attended this church for 9 years and 7 of those I served on staff.

But God moves us to other chapters. He can also use others to do this. Sometimes, it's time to move on - beyond time - and this happens with painful results. It's still for our betterment but that doesn't suppress the pain.

We've attended our current church for a year and a half. It feels like it could be home, but for various reasons, we haven't been in attendance every week. This has hampered making connections and committing to serving. This is just a season and it will pass.

Just know that if you resonate with anything I'm experiencing - you're not alone. It's ok to feel and process all of these things. And it takes time - always. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm looking forward to what's next.

I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Can Honestly Say Jon Is My Best Friend

At the beginning of this year, these were Kate Gosselin's words in an interview with Today's Christian Woman : "I can honestly say Jon is my best friend." Kate also says, "When the babies were born, I was well aware that our marriage could crumble. It was close to doing so at times. But we survived that first year. And then the second one. And then each year after that. Even though the issues have changed, it's never gotten easier. "But Jon and I are more determined than ever that we're in this together. We've told our kids many times that we're always going to be a family. There are no other options. Sure, Jon and I take our stress out on each other, and no, that's not always good or healthy. But we work hard as a team every day."
193 comments
READ THE FULL STORY »

A Very Angry Prostate

Cancer.  No other word evokes so many emotions and consumes so many thoughts of both the one with the diagnosis and those who learn of it. On Tuesday, June 25, at 4:40pm, I learned that I have prostate cancer.  One of the questions I'm most asked: "How did you know to check?" Naturally, some wondered if I had signs or pains. There were none. Last September, I had my second physical with my new primary physician. With an age of 50, he requested a PSA (prostate-specific antigen) test be added to my blood panel. The next day, the results were in my portal. For my age, my PSA should be no higher than 4. My reading was 4.191. Since this number was out of range, the portal chart visually shouted at me that this was HIGH. Googling sent me into a spiral of thinking I might have prostate cancer which led to many thoughts of mortality. I was at work sitting in my cubicle attempting to calm myself and praying as waves of anxiety, thoughts and emotions washed in. I contacte...
2 comments
READ THE FULL STORY »

When Three Weeks Felt Like Three Months

These words have taken months to reconcile as I've wrestled with and revisited many times over. Summarizing three very long weeks of December 2023 has been quite the challenge. I was in Mississippi for what began as a hip fracture for my mother and ended in her passing. It's still rather surreal for her to be gone. The first Mother's Day without her impacted me more than what would've been her 86th birthday on January 24 or what would've been her 67th wedding anniversary on April 4. Not getting a call from her on my birthday July 1 was also a void which was filled with Dad calling in birthday wishes. My family being a thousand miles away for the last 20 years, only speaking on the phone once or twice a month, visits only being every few years due to life and expenses...it feels almost routine being disconnected from Mom. Yet, random memories and various regrets have trickled through my mind since those exhausting weeks in December. Three weeks which felt like three ...
2 comments
READ THE FULL STORY »