It's still rather surreal for her to be gone.
The first Mother's Day without her impacted me more than what would've been her 86th birthday on January 24 or what would've been her 67th wedding anniversary on April 4. Not getting a call from her on my birthday July 1 was also a void which was filled with Dad calling in birthday wishes. My family being a thousand miles away for the last 20 years, only speaking on the phone once or twice a month, visits only being every few years due to life and expenses...it feels almost routine being disconnected from Mom. Yet, random memories and various regrets have trickled through my mind since those exhausting weeks in December. Three weeks which felt like three months. Looking back, I'm still stunned how quickly Mom's health deteriorated.
Friday, December 8, 2023 At 4:57pm my brother Terry texts "Mom fell." I call and he's en route to my parent's house. Dad had called 911 and called Terry to describe the situation as "a bad mess" or something similar. Mom fell in the bathroom and broke her right hip. While I knew this injury was common for older folks, I incorrectly thought the pelvis received the break. Actually, it's the upper part of the thigh bone.
At 10:07pm, Terry texts a pic of Dad bundled up in a blanket and seated in a wheelchair at St. Dominic's Hospital in Jackson. At 92, being wheeled around is well-deserved!
Mom says she wants to delay the surgery until Monday to see "if it gets better." While recovery will be challenging, not having surgery guarantees her never walking again.
Saturday, December 9, 2023 That morning, she either grasped the situation or some sense was spoken into her. By noon she is recovering from a successful surgery.
This is only the second time Mom has had surgery in her life - the first being a shattered left shoulder - and only the second time being in a hospital - not counting delivering her children.
Terry, Tamra, and I begin researching and speaking with others about rehabilitation options for Mom. We speak with friends and message facilities. An unexpected blessing came in realizing a family member specializes in rehabilitation and nursing homes. We would've been so lost in navigating this process and situation without Sarah's counsel.
Tuesday, December 12, 2023 Around 2pm, I arrive at the Jackson International Airport on a one-way flight from Maryland. Preston, my best friend, collects me from the airport and takes me to St. Dominics. My intent is to help family and stay through Christmas. Even without this event, there are fewer Christmases remaining for my parents.
Wednesday, December 13, 2023 My parent's refrigerator isn't cooling but the freezer is fine. I begin looking for replacement options and share those with Terry. I drive Dad to St. Dominics that morning and park at the entrance to get him a wheelchair, take him inside, and return to park the car. The car starts fine but begins stuttering like it's going to stall while parking it. This day is getting complicated.
Dad shares that the car has done this before but always recovers. I'm hoping that's the case so that we can follow Mom to the rehab facility and not end up on the side of the road. The doctor suggests Mom visit a venous vascular surgeon after rehab for her legs. For years, her legs have wept fluid and while nurses visited her at home to wrap her calves and doctors were consulted for this condition, it remains unresolved. While in the hospital, her legs appeared dry. She's received antibiotics for her legs and medicine to address low iron levels. We even think it's a bit of a blessing to be in the hospital to perhaps finally have the fluid issue resolved! We're trying to find the proverbial silver lining.
Eventually, the facility retrieves Mom from the hospital, loads her into a van and takes her to Clinton Healthcare. I imagine how difficult that experience might be for Mom. In a wheelchair, loaded into a van and traveling with a another patient picked up along the way. Much of the remainder of the day is spent getting her checked in and ready to begin her rehab tomorrow. We stay until 8pm when visiting hours end. Thursday, December 14, 2023 Mom being at Clinton Healthcare is a blessing as it's about five minutes from my parent's house. I take Dad there around 9AM but the room is empty. Around 11:15AM, lunch arrives for Mom and I ask about getting one for Dad. She's wheeled to the room around 11:30AM and I help her and Dad with their lunches. Mom thinks she could do the PT exercises at home. She wants to go home. Around 12:30PM, I go to a local coffee shop, Cups, and work for a few hours. I return to rehab to visit with Mom and bring Dad home so he can have a break. After dinner, we were going to visit with Mom but Dad's car stalls before leaving the driveway. Terry comes over and drives us there so we all can visit and then brings us back. We assume the car will be ok for tomorrow. Terry thinks an oxygen sensor is malfunctioning when the engine gets hot.
Friday, December 15, 2023 The morning starts as others at 7AM with me signing on for work and using my phone's hotspot. My parents don't have WiFi. Dad makes coffee for us and has eaten his "cereal" (instant oatmeal and off-brand Cheerios) before I wake. I make scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. I wash dishes. We decide to head for the rehab a little later since Mom's morning routine of a bath and rehab will occupy her nearly to lunch. After I get a shower and get dressed, we find the car starting fine and drive to the rehab. While Dad waits in Mom's room, I purchase a lunch for him so it can be delivered with Mom's meal. This becomes another routine so that they can have lunch together. Mom is wheeled in after PT. After they have lunch, I opt to not go to Cups as I assume the staff will need help getting Mom and Dad wheeled to the resident Christmas party. I attend it with my parents. Mom receives a present: a comfy robe and thick socks.
I didn't know then that she will never get to wear them.
After a full day, my hope is that she can have a nice sleep since she mentioned not sleeping well last night. Mom thinks Dad can stay overnight but visiting hours end at 8pm.
Mom wants to go home.
Saturday, December 16, 2023 We arrive around the same time to find Mom in her room and still in bed. We learn that weekends don't have the same routine as weekdays. This concerns me as Mom doesn't want to watch TV and doesn't want any books, magazines, puzzles or anything to occupy her time. She doesn't want to be there and would rather be doing her routine at home.
I fear a long weekend is ahead of us.
Mom isn't accustomed to nor does she enjoy eating in bed. So, it's easier if Terry, Tamra or I help by opening containers or packaging and moving plates around to make eating the meal as stress-free as possible.
Dad spends all day up there. Terry and I run some errands. Mom wants to go home and thinks the doctor will see her Monday to release her. I try to encourage her but also have to eventually firmly indicate that she can't go home until she's made progress.
Sunday, December 17, 2023 Mom shares that she had a panic attack around 10:30PM. I'm not surprised. Without anything to occupy her mind or sleeping well, anxiety and other emotions are consuming her. She shares with me that the inside of her legs, knees, and heels hurt but she didn't share that with staff. It's reasonable that the discomfort is from PT but I think it's from lack of movement. She's frustrated because she wants to go the restroom on her own. "I feel like it'd help if I could sit on the side of the bed." I encourage her that she could do this but we need to get help. She can't accomplish this on her own. Dad and I cannot help her. She doesn't want to bother a nurse and can't get comfortable. Getting comfortable requires asking for help. She doesn't like being helpless and feels like she's a burden. She thinks she's ruining my Christmas. She's humiliated in wearing adult "briefs" or diapers. She doesn't want to relieve herself in them and seems to be trying to time it so she can be changed quickly.
Mom wants to go home. She still thinks she's going home tomorrow.
Since the visiting routine is tiring for Dad - getting in and out of vehicles multiple times a day and walking hallways (he usually didn't want to wait for a wheelchair) - his visits to the rehab need to be shortened. 11AM to 2 or 3PM. Tamra would visit for a few hours afterwards and Terry would end off the day. Tonight, however, at the end of Tamra's visit, Mom wants Dad to come back up there.
Carolers from a church come through the halls. It was another nice moment of normality. I turn on "A Christmas Story" and we watch. Dad eventually falls asleep but Mom seems to be enjoying it. The sequel follows and we watch about half of that before it nears 8pm. Mom covers her face and sobs. I comfort her and say we'll see her tomorrow. She says she'll be okay. This is hard.
Monday, December 18, 2023 I take Dad to the rehab, get him settled in Mom's room, and order his lunch while Mom is in PT. I speak with the Head Nurse about my concerns observed over the weekend. While Mom was helped into a wheelchair on Saturday, she never got out of bed Sunday. I share about her aches and pains. the panic attack and ask if she can have some sort of sedatives at night. It's clear she's not fully accepting that she needs to do the work to get her independence back and return home. The Head Nurse documents all of this and intends to address it all. The staff here is helpful and supportive but they can't know everything. Being an advocate to a loved one in crucial in situations like these because they don't always communicate needed information or share it in a productive way.
Mom wants to go home.
Tuesday, December 19, 2023 Mom doesn't receive a full PT session. They only focus on her upper body due to her surgical stitching leaking and needing a review. Everyday, I'm discussing topics with Terry and Tamra. While we have a routine, it's also not looking very bright. Mom is not making nor seems to want to make progress. We also start to discuss what Christmas will look like.
Mom wants to go home. She thinks everything would be better at home. In reality, it would be worse. Here there are people to help with meals and care. Nothing at the house would be easy.
Wednesday, December 20, 2023 8:31AM Tamra texts that Mom has been sent to the hospital for shortness of breath and elevated heart rate. This happened late Tuesday night. Terry picks us up and we're at the hospital around 10AM. He returns after work around 6PM. Before leaving for the night, I turn on the TV and select a channel with Christian instrumental music. Mom covers her face and weeps. My hands on her head, I pray for comfort and healing. I can only imagine how stressful and depressing all of this is to her.
Thursday, December 21, 2023
That morning, after our usual routine, Dad shares he may need to go to the doctor. I think he's starting to catch a cold as I feel the same. Meanwhile, Tamra is at St. Dominics and dealing with Mom's hospital delirium. Whether caused by the stress and anxiety of the injury, going to the hospital/rehab/back to the hospital or medications, older patients can shift to a state of hallucinations and confusion. This goes on for hours. Mom chats with her dead niece, thinks she's at home cooking sausage, feels like she's falling or going to fall, and various other scenarios. She tries to get out of bed and remove her oxygen tubes. She doesn't remember her hip breaking and can't understand why she can't get out of her chair - even though she's in a bed.
After both Dad and I have an Olly immunity powder drink, we both feel better with our "colds."
Terry and I had decided not to take Dad to the hospital until the afternoon. Tamra calls me in tears wondering when we'll get there. She is exhausted from tending to Mom's delirium episodes. Since we can't trust Dad's car, Terry picks us up and we head for the hospital.
Mom wouldn't leave the oxygen tubes in her nose and at some point her oxygen levels dropped so low she was placed on a BiPAP. Since she kept trying to remove that, she was sedated and restrained. It was also determined that she needed to have fluid drained from her lungs. Before going into surgery and while she was still in her room, I had the dilemma - do I let Dad see her or not? I knew what she looked like and it was unsettling. I opted for him to see her. I wheel him into her room. She's on her side in almost a fetal position with the BiPAP full face mask and the noise associated with it. After a short time, we back out of the room and go to the waiting area. Dad seems troubled.
Mom has 600ml of fluid drained from one lung and 800ml from the other.
By 4pm that day, before Mom is out of surgery, Terry notices Dad grimacing and asks what's wrong. Dad points to his upper chest and says it's hurting. For Dad to say that indicates something is really bothering him. After seeking advice from a nurse, we wheel him to the ER where we learn he has the same symptoms as Mom - afib and some fluid on the lungs.
Terry and I leave him in a room at 10:30pm. He had received meds to slow heart rate, thin blood, and drain fluid. Mom still had the BiPAP on.
Processing all of this is hard. Both parents in the hospital with similar symptoms. Am I about to lose both my parents?
I spend the night alone in my parent's house - something I have never done. It was odd. Growing up, we never took vacations and only took day trips to visit family. My parents never traveled anywhere overnight.
Friday, December 22, 2023 Tamra spent the night at the hospital. I still had some stuffiness/head congestion. Tamra picks me up and we drive to the hospital. I sit with Dad and she with Mom. Sara visits Mom and tries to chat with her while she's wearing the BiPAP. Sarah speaks with me in the hallway to prepare me that Mom's time is short. She might make it to Christmas but she has seen this before in couples that have been married so long. She feels that when Mom passes, Dad won't be far behind. We should consider how they can spend time together. I ask her to have this conversation with Terry, Tamra, and I - so that we're all hearing the same information and can ask questions. I know this is a lot to ask of her but think it will be best. This conversation takes place later in the day in the downstairs lobby area across from the Cups stand. Overall, the plan is for my parents to return to the rehab facility and have a room together.
Saturday, December 23, 2023 Tamra picks me up at the Clinton house and we head to the hospital. Dad sits in a recliner next to his bed for the morning and a portion of the afternoon. After breakfast, he uses a walker from his bed to the door and back. He then goes from the bed to the door across the hall and back. The cardiologist says he has a weak heart. He is receiving medications for that, to keep his heart rate down and to remove fluid. He seems to be doing well and knowing Mom is doing better seems to help his spirits. They haven’t seen one another since Wednesday. We haven't shared with Mom that Dad is in the hospital. Honestly, we don't know how that news will be received. Yet, we wonder if she knows he's there.
Mom is mostly sleeping and eating meals. She is very weak and exhausted. I can't help but think about my Papaw - Mom's dad - who passed away on Christmas Eve 1981. I’m not sure how many days she has but the Lord does and He blessed me with this chance to serve my parents. The plan is for them both to be discharged Tuesday and go to Clinton Healthcare for rehab and to be together.
Day by day and by the grace of God.
My friend Scott picks me up at the hospital and we have dinner. He drops me off at my parent's house.
Sunday, December 24, 2023 It's Christmas Eve and before Tamra picks me up, I learn from Terry that he spent the night at the hospital with Dad and neither of them slept. Terry felt like he was told (Divine intervention) to visit and stay. Each time he tried to leave, he physically could not. Had he not been there, it's quite possible Dad would've fallen out of bed. Dad had similar delirium episodes as Mom and hallucinated all night. Much of the time, Dad was trying to leave the bed and trying to get dressed to go home. He wanted to put on his shoes, get out of bed, draped legs over the railing, imagined being pulled in a basket through a forest, thought Terry was witness to men stealing his stuff, had fallen in a hole and was frustrated that no one would help him get out of the hole, and so much more. The staff activated the bed alarm in case he tried to stand. At one point, his heart rate reached 170 bringing in a team wearing black uniforms to tend to him.
Tamra stays with Mom who sounds like her chest is congested. Her coughing is frequent and isn't strong enough to expel the phlegm. I help Dad eat his breakfast and lunch. During this time, he's still in his hospital delirium. He wants me to help move his chair up the hill which is behind the bed in his mind. And although he ate the meals on the side of the bed, he thought he ate them up the hill. He gets mad with me for not wanting to help him move the chair. He also speaks with his dead sister, Sue, and pretends to eat and share an ice cream cone. Later in the afternoon, two nurses help him back into bed and he is quite combative and mad at me for letting "those women touch him." At some point that evening, he finally falls asleep after being awake 48 hours.
Tamra drops me off at Terry and Stacy's home so I can be there for Christmas morning.
Monday, December 25, 2023 When Terry and I visit Dad early that afternoon, Dad's still asleep. We learn the next day that he did wake long enough to have his meals. We leave and plan to come back that evening. Before returning, Tamra texts that Dad's slowly coming out of his slumber but isn't fully awake. Mom is getting loopy and is still coughing.
Terry and I sit with Dad for a bit while he sleeps. After a while, we leave and check on Mom. Her room lights are off but there's enough light to see that her bed covers are mostly off. She has nearly removed all her clothing. She looks like a prisoner of war. Terry and I aren't certain she's awake but wish her a Merry Christmas. We both wish we hadn't seen her like that. We know the nurses will take care of her but it's just heartbreaking.
Tuesday, December 26, 2023 Terry drops me off at the hospital and I exit the elevator with the intent to turn left and visit Dad. Looking right, I see activity. Mom's room signal light is on and a nurse says something about a code. When I get close to the door, Tamra exits in tears saying, "It's ok for her to go." Medical personnel are working on Mom. They eventually indicate that she's resuscitated but that her time is short. A representative discusses hospice care with me. Basically, Mom will be made comfortable until she passes. Dad can't believe he slept through Christmas. He remembers most of his hallucinations and thought they were real. He was surprised that were not. "It all seemed so real just like me talking to you now." Terry has a private conversation with Dad and shares that Mom's not doing well. He asks if Dad wants to see her and that either choice is fine. He chooses not to see her.
I feel that Mom passed away this morning. The hospital bed seems to only have a body. A machine shows the heart rate and blood pressure. Her face has a non-breather mask atop her open mouth with rhythmic almost gasping breaths. Her eyes are mostly open but not blinking. Holding her hand and requesting she squeeze it, she does not. It's like her body is alive but she's not there. I prefer to think that than the alternative - that's she's trapped in this broken body with no way to communicate to us.
I tell her it's ok to go home, I love her, we'll be ok, and that she didn't ruin Christmas...it was my genuine pleasure and blessing to serve her and Dad.
Wednesday, December 27, 2023 Terry drops me off and visits Dad before going to work. I hang out with Dad and work some. He receives some PT. We ask if Dad wants to see Mom and he does not.
Thursday, December 28, 2023 Terry drops me off and visits Dad before going to work. Stacy visits that morning and sits with Mom. Tamra is home sick. I hang out with Dad and do some work while he watches TV. Later that day, while I'm out of the room, he asks a nurse to take him to see Mom. Stacy and I step into the hallway to give them privacy. After about 5 minutes, I check on him to see if he needs more time or is ready to return to his room. He says he's ready and that this was what Mom didn't want to happen to her. I interpret that as Mom not wanting to die in a hospital.
Her body has had no food or water for almost three full days. After Dad's visit, her vitals seem to continue slowly lowering. While I'm out of the room texting and talking to folks, Stacy texts me to come back to the room. Time of death: 4:48pm
Friday, December 29, 2023 Terry drops me off at the hospital and I learn at 9:30AM that Dad is being discharged at Noon. There was talk about it the day before but it didn't seem certain. I suspect that due to his being stable and the holiday weekend, it is best he be discharged today instead of Tuesday. So, Stacy picks me up and takes me to Clinton Healthcare so that I can complete Dad's paperwork.
Dad is collected from the hospital and transported to Clinton Healthcare while Stacy and I run errands. When we return, he's in Mom's former room with what sounds like a lawn mower running inside of it. A portable Drive DeVibiss 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator unit is providing him oxygen. He's sitting up on the bed with an expression that's heartbreaking. His wife of 66 years hasn't been dead 24 hours and now he's in the same facility - the same room - she was in with a machine so loud he can barely understand the questions asked of him by a half dozen nurses.
I advocate for him to immediately get a new unit. A replacement is brought in and functions for a while but then starts an annoying repeating beep. The nurse resets the machine but eventually the noise returns. I explain to the Head Nurse that he cannot sleep tonight with that noise and really needs rest. I ask if he must have oxygen. He had it while at the hospital but those rooms have oxygen service built into the walls. This is the only way the rehab can accommodate. Since his levels were normal when he left the hospital and remain so, he may not require it any longer. After consulting with the doctor, the Head Nurse is permitted to change his orders from "continuous" to "as needed" oxygen. The machine is turned off. Victory for advocating!
Saturday, December 30, 2023 Terry, Stacy, and I travel to Magee to discuss and purchase a graveside service and casket. Magee is where Dad and Mom grew up, where many of the family still lives, and where I was born.
Sunday, December 31, 2023 We visit with Dad some. While Terry and Stacy enjoy some time out on News Years Eve, I enjoy some takeout of catfish and fried pickles while watching some TV and chatting with some friends.
Monday, January 1, 2024 The usual weekday routine at the rehab starts for Dad. Terry and I spend some time with him. We went shopping for clothes he could wear at the graveside service. We take those back to the rehab.
Tuesday, January 2, 2024 Terry and I pick up Dad from the rehab and head to Magee. The graveside service is at 10am. It's short and sweet. There's a message, a beautiful acapella song performed by a cousin, and a chance for the family to visit.
Sigh.
There were moments I will cherish about these three weeks: praying over Mom, comforting her when she was upset, helping with meals, labeling clothes, going to the resident Christmas party, and overall serving both my parents. Being able to have family and friends praying over me and all involved during that entire time was sustaining.
With things changing on a daily basis, I'm blessed that Terry, Tamra and I could share the load. There are so many moments I have forgotten. Other moments I'll keep to myself. I have regrets - things I wish were different. Like I wish that I had saved a voicemail of Mom or could locate a single video of her. I recorded some but can't find them. Thankfully there are pictures...even going back to her in high school.
Check on your parents. Make sure there's a plan and that you know it for when it's their time to depart this world. And if you're uncertain of their salvation - share the gospel of Jesus Christ. While we don't get to choose how and when we'll depart this life...we can choose to do it with knowing Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Nothing is sweeter.
"May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. " (Numbers 6:24-26)
May God continue to bless you and keep you and heal your heart. May Gods peace and spirit be with you and your family. May you feel God’s comfort and peace. in jesus name i pray . Amen
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words of support!
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